"If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. - BUMPER STICKER"
"Have they even seen the Winchester boys? Sammy and Dean's existence proves there is a god and she is a woman."
"My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me."
"Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid shit is fired."
"Captain," I said, letting the surprise I felt filter into my voice. It was weird how every time I said the word captain, I wanted to tack on a Jack Sparrow at the end."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I have depth. I've read Proust. No, wait, that was Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. My bad..."
"Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work."
"I could hardly be responsible for my actions when everyone around me gave me every opportunity to sink to their low expectations."
"It would be a miracle to solve this case. Luckily, I believed in miracles. No, wait, that was testicles. I believed in testicles."
"What's your specialty?"
"Oh, you know. Madness. Mayhem. Debauchery. And even with all that going for me, I can still make a mean mojito."
"It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle."